For neither the first nor the last time!
I interviewed on Monday for the graduate program that I hope to begin in September. I happy with how it went, although I definitely saw certain areas of my self-presentation that have room for improvement.
The results arrive four days earlier than I had anticipated, and the waiting game is on. I used to hate waiting when I was younger; it bordered on agony for me, to wait and think and imagine the possibilities, the things that could go wrong.
Anticipating, on the other hand, is a more joyful experience. I anticipate holidays, birthdays, seeing old friends. Yet, when the decision in question is binary, “You’re in” or “You’re out,” I don’t find it easy to shift from waiting to anticipating.
It feels against some kind of superstition to make plans for the fall. By looking at housing close to the school or by looking for jobs, I feel like I am projecting something about my confidence in myself and the expected outcome. I don’t want to set myself up for a disappointed hope, but I find it difficult to turn my mind to the (many!!) other things in my life that do require planning and consideration.
What I can anticipate, even as I await the answer, is the clarity that the decision will bring. No matter what happens, I will finally know which path is clear, and finally be able to start planning my life beyond August. I’ll be able to email my lawyer and get the ball rolling on renewing my visa. I’ll be able to organise my income, the last of my savings, and my schedule to support a job search or a move. I’ll be able to speak to my landlord, my internship supervisors, my professors. I’ll have a bit of clarity to offer myself and everyone else about the next steps forward!
In the mean time, there is plenty to do. My academic/professional focus rests solely on my thesis, I am trying to “cooperate and graduate,” as my dad has advised me to do more than once this semester!
Socially speaking, there is more than enough to anticipate. Two weddings, three weekend trips, two friends coming to town, a conference, my family’s visit, a dedicated effort to have more Girls Nights.
I’m staying busy, to be sure, and trying to focus on what I have to anticipate, rather than what I am waiting on this coming June.